funeral

The death of a close relative or friend can be a bitter experience for any of us. Although we may sense that time can eventually soothe our grief, the present feeling of shock and loss is very real.

The funeral should help family and friends to express and share their sadness. It is likely to be the last opportunity when together they will be focusing their thoughts on the person who has died. The ceremony deserves to be remembered as an occasion which uniquely and affectionately honoured that person's life, and for that it needs to capture the essence of their personality.

· Vivienne C. Donnithorne is an accredited officiant and celebrant for the British Humanist Association, she writes and conducts non-religious ceremonies ; funerals, weddings and baby namings in London and the Home Counties. Tel: 01372 843757 Mobile: 07973 223331

While church goers and others committed to a religious faith will normally want a minister or religious leader to officiate, there are more and more people for whom religion is less important or who have made a clear decision to live their lives without it.

For them, a religious funeral service may seem insincere and bring little consolation. It may not feel the right way to say their final farewell to someone who did not accept the religious view of life and death. In this case it is likely to have more warmth and meaning if the ceremony is of the kind favoured by the British Humanist Association's officiants.

Humanists care deeply about moral issues, but from a non-religious standpoint, and our outlook has a very long history.

We believe in the good that is in human beings, and the right of the individual to free choice in the main decisions of life and death. We hold that humanity must find solutions to problems from within itself, not rely on the supernatural.

Humanist officiants come from a variety of backgrounds. What they share is an ability to empathise with the experience of bereavement. They are men and women familiar with the procedures of cremation and burial. They need to be good interviewers and attentive listeners; sensitive to the family's wishes yet ready to give clear guidance as needed; able to prepare and take charge of a solemn public occasion.

Whatever the circumstances of the life and death, officiants are not there to moralise or judge - but to understand. Together with you they can plan a personal and dignified funeral ceremony, and conduct it for you on the day if that is your wish.

Once you have arranged to have a non-religious humanist ceremony, your officiant will wish to speak with you, and ideally meet you and possibly others closely affected by the death. It is helpful for the officiant to get to know as much as possible about the person who has died; for each ceremony is different and highly individual, even if the form of it may seem quite simple.

Members of the family or friends can, if they wish, participate with a reading or a poem, or with their own tribute. It all helps make the occasion more personal and special.

Music can speak direct to the emotions and can often be a poignant way of reflecting the personality of the one who has died. Usually an organist is available and many crematoria have facilities for playing tape cassettes or CDs. This gives you considerable freedom of choice, and the officiant can advise on what may be appropriate.

Above all, the kind of ceremony you choose must be right and appropriate for the person who has died and for the close family. You need not be concerned that anything in the ceremony might offend anyone who perhaps still feels uneasy about a non-religious funeral; the object is not to be hostile to religious beliefs, merely to focus in a sincere way on the reality of the life that has ended. Most officiants will also include in the ceremony a short period for quiet reflection, and that gives anyone who wants it, an opportunity for silent prayer.

People often say afterwards how moving, sincere and fitting they found the ceremony. For the immediate family and close friends it will be a great comfort to have provided a ceremony such as the person who has died would have wanted.

The British Humanist Association's network of officiants covers the whole of the United Kingdom and you do not have to be a humanist to use their services. For help and advice from someone in your area, you can contact the British Humanist Association at:

Non-religious funerals have the same status in civil law as religious ones. They are ever more familiar in public crematoria and cemeteries, and to Funeral Directors whose first concern is the wishes of the family.

Officiants of the British Humanist Association are all trained and eventually acquire accreditation. Under this accreditation scheme, officiants are subject to selection, training and periodic review. They are mostly professional people and do not earn their living from conducting humanist funerals, although a fee is charged. Private citizens offering similar funeral ceremonies, but who have not registered with the BHA will not have experienced the same training and may not be of the same high standard as BHA's officiants.

The British Humanist Association is a registered charity with several thousand members. It was founded a century ago by people who believed in an ethical basis of society, but did not feel the need for religious belief or practice. The BHA does campaign in the public sphere on some issues, and works in schools to encourage moral education, but it is most visible in its ceremonies work - funerals, weddings and baby namings.